Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Moment to moment reaction's of Miley Cyrus's new Wrecking Ball video

My homepage is the Guardian's music page, and when I turned on my computer this morning, there was Miley Cyrus's teary-eyed face looking back at me. I don't know her music, and I didn't get around to seeing her twerking video because our bandwidth costs a lot of money in Johannesburg and I couldn't justify that expense. But as I was reading an article about this video, I saw it got like 14 million hits in a day. By the time I started writing this it had already received 45 million hits.

So, to justify spending my time watching this video, here are my thoughts in blog form, shot for shot. Why would you care about my opinion of a video by a gal whose music I've never heard, whose old TV shows and movies I've never seen, who knows less about modern pop music than all of my peers? Because this is an unbiased opinion. I am a Miley Cyrus tabula rasa.

Without further ado, Miley Cyrus's new Wrecking Ball video...

0:00 Does she have my hair cut? Oh God, please don't let me relate to her. Well, she's not EXACTLY like me. Maybe I've already spent too much time in South Africa, but one of her eyes is bigger than the other. I think she might be transforming into a prawn.

0:24 Whoa. Powerful shot. Dead on, well lit, crying into the camera. Please, please don't let me like this song. Miley, I don't want to humanize you!

0:42 Is this all the critics were complaining about? She's not the first singer to go for the sexy-butchy look. she's not the first teen idol to prance around in her underwear. It's not like she's remaking "Showgirls" or something.

0:43 Nope, spoke too soon. That's a topless Miley. And tattoos... and are those Flo-Jo fingernails?

0:50 Still, the song isn't that bad, and my tender innocent eyes aren't offended as they should be, according to what everyone is saying online.

1:04 Uhhhhhh ok. Less hip lesbian, more pin-up girl. Thank God you're legal. As my roomie Patrick Keaveny would say, or the dudes from Workaholics, "Sweetie, have you eaten today?"

1:05 Damn, this song is catchy. Fight it... FIGHT IT...

1:14 Ohhhh

1:23 Uhhhhhh? Ok ok, Miley. We've all done things with household objects we shouldn't. I burned a lot of my hair when roasting marshmallows over a candle when I was like 10. But you're 20, and you're on camera.

1:28 Ohhhhh no...

1:49 Well, I officially apologize to all of the SJs who have been reading this. I say in my defence, this is the most viewed video on YouTube today, so I'm not the only one writing about this. I was not expecting the naked mid-90s sad lesbian construction worker motif to go so wrong.

2:18 It seems like you're just reusing footage now... Already saw the Flo-Jo nails.

2:59. Definitely reusing footage. I've already seen her get intimate with a sledge hammer. Not to say that it wasn't delightful the first time, but please leave us wanting more...

3:09 Seriously, did you not shoot enough b-roll to cover a 3-minute music video? We've seen her swinging naked from a wrecking ball a few times now. We get it, it's a metaphor. Deep.

Well, I hate to say it, this over-nudified, under-written song is pretty catchy. The trick, Miley, is to now get people to enjoy your music with your clothes on.

In the end, it's not great, but it's not worth tearing apart a 20-year old for either. I will say this, there is only one Wrecking Ball. And it's owned by The Boss.

Ok. My first Cyrus experience. That's three minutes I can't get back.

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